Never Forget
by Ra'iira The Fiend
Summary: After the events of Virmire, after stealing the Normandy, Shepard reflects on the loss of her team mate and friend. Shepard/Williams friendship.


Disclaimer: Sadly, I am not Greg Zeschuk or any of the other unnamed geniuses who created the glory that is Mass Effect. If I was, do you **really **think I'd be sitting here writing this? No.

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I couldn't believe it. It was Torfan all over again... And it had only now begun to sink in. I guess I had pushed it into the back of my mind until it was over. And what an odd time to be thinking about it, too. There I was, lying naked beside Kaiden, but I wasn't even thinking about him. I was thinking about Ashley. Silently, so as not to disturb my slumbering lover, I redressed and wandered off into the break room, which was, strangely enough, never occupied. I needed to be alone in my thoughts; I needed to be alone to grieve. It was funny, really, how no one expected me to be sad. They called me ruthless, all because of what happened on Torfan. They think it didn't bother me how all of those people died, how more than half of _my own men_ died. Oh, but it did bother me, I just never let anyone see it. I never let myself get close to anyone, not after everyone I loved had been slaughtered right in front of my eyes by those damned slavers. I know it happened long ago, but I can't let it go, just like I can't let Torfan go, just like I can't let Ashley go. 

Part of me really wanted to go to Liara. She was always so sweet and understanding, even if she did harbor romantic feelings for me. Actually, that was what stopped me from seeking her out for comfort – that and the fact that I always grieved alone, I never shared my pain. Saren... _He _was the reason she was dead. He and his aggravating geth. Oh, who was I kidding? I knew it was all Sovereign, but if everyone else could blame Saren, then I could at least pretend to. Enraged, I slammed my fist into the wet table over and over until my knuckles were bloody. For good measure, I hit it one more time, letting my hand linger on the slightly dented, bloody, tear-covered table. _Tear-covered? _Fantastic, I was crying. But I had every right to cry, she had been my best friend...

I didn't even remember ending up slumped against the wall in the corner of the room, but there I was, sobbing and thinking, thinking and sobbing. God, it hurt so much... Speaking of God, He was the only reason I was able to choose. Knowing that Ashley and I shared religious beliefs, not the fact that Kaiden and I cared about each other, is the only thing that made me capable of letting her go. I know she's with Jesus now, looking down on us. I sighed miserably and hid my face in my arms, even though no one was around to see me. It didn't matter. Sometimes, when you hurt, you need to hide, and that's what I was doing curled up in this corner, shaking from the weight of it all.

Joker had made it worse. I know he didn't mean to, but what he had said to me tore apart my heart. It's like he could see right through my tough facade, and no one else could see that I was hurting, not even Kaiden or Liara.

"_It must have been hard for you down there, Commander." I almost choked. How did he know? I bravely put my ruthless mask on and lied through my teeth to keep from crying, saying some bullshit about it meaning nothing and that soldiers died all the time. He didn't bother me after that, but I felt like I was defiling her memory. I had been rummaging through my locker, looking for my old friend, my razorblade. I used to use it to make the hurting go away, or to make sure I was still real, or to punish myself for being heartless. I hadn't cut since I was twenty three, and I would have done it again if Kaiden hadn't interrupted me. "Commander? I..." I let myself drown in his affection and buried the hurt during the sex._

I shook my head, groaning in internal pain that no one else could feel. I had failed, _again._ Over and over I kept letting people down, I kept letting people die under me, letting people I care about die. I couldn't save my family, I couldn't save my men, and I couldn't save Ashley. And each time I vowed to do better, convincing myself it would never happen again. Well, it did, twice. And I lost my best friend because of my incompetence. "Ash, I'm so sorry..." I whispered in the shakiest voice that had ever come from me. I choked back a rather loud wail that begged to be let forth, but I knew that if I did, everyone would know how much it really did hurt me.

What was even worse was that despite her martyrdom, the stain (that shouldn't be) on her family's name would still be there. That was the ruthlessness of humanity. And no one else seemed to remember her. It was like she had been erased. But she hadn't! I would never forget her. I really needed my Lord at that moment. I felt like I was dying, and it hurt so much I didn't know what to do. "God..." I began desperately, quietly, "Please take care of her..." I couldn't continue, the tears only got worse after that tiny prayer. I know I looked horrible, but what did it matter? No one was around to see the human faucet that was Janie Shepard, so why was I even thinking about it?

I could still hear her friendly voice in my mind, joking and laughing with me, deeply discussing the existence of God, and how our missions went... Her old slang. She spoke like it was fifty years ago on earth. But it was so refreshing, and I'd never hear it again. No one would ever call me skipper, and I didn't think anyone else on this ship believed in Him, so I couldn't talk about my faith anymore. But at least she was with God...

It took me four whole hours to compose myself and act as if I had never grieved, and no one ever figured out how much I missed Ashley Williams. No one ever learned how much it hurt me to lose my best friend like that. But maybe that was for the better.


End file.
